Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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