Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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