we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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