dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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