um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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