fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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