Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
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I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize