dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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