On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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