He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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