After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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