I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He kissed a someone with a penis
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this