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he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
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