there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
What changed your mind?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me