Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
