I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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