Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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