Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
