When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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