I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Randomize
