he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
