I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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