I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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