awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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