pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
