Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
