I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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