To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
