You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
