I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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