My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
