I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
