does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hippo gnu deer
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
