you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
