i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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