you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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