Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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