I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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