my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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