It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
