Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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