1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
