just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
