Swine flu. Run for my life!
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
