So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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