There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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