I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
