Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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