The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
