i think my tv is drunk
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I wear drunk well.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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