What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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