The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
