You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
