question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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