So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
