I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?