I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
