My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
