if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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